Life has just continued to get harder, and I find myself feeling paused.

I don't even know exactly what that means, but I know that's exactly where I am at. I have absolutely no desire to anything but lay in bed and wait for the next day, but really can anyone live their life that way.

2009 has handed me so much pain, anger, regret and sadness that I no longer wish to write a book about my life but just a book on my life in 2009.

My life in a bubble has been completely eliminated, as much as I search for just a tiny bit of that wonder woman I use to be, I can't seem to find her anywhere. Not in my reality or in my dreams, has she gone forever? I don't want to sincerely believe that...but my eyes show my no different.

I will say I am absolutely tired of complaining and not being "grateful" for what I do have. I am also extremely tired of people who insist on tell me how everything will be fine and dandy sooner rather than later.

It amazes me how I can give great advice and positive words to just about anyone in any situation but I can't stomach to believe not even an ounce of it....does that make me a hypocrite?

I'm not sure what will happen tomorrow, next week or by the end of the year, I just know that somewhere inside this body that I call my own there has to be just has to be an ounce of the woman I use to be....hope I find it soon....

I want to be a parent ... just not that kind

Parenting - to me means the two people who will never intentionally disappoint you.

What it means to the parents I have known - they will always disappoint you intentionally or not.

I find myself more and more craving and yearning to be a mother, a parent. I crave it like a fat kid craves cake.

I want to hear a little voice call me mom, bring me home a drawing proudly telling me it's his/her family. I want to have something of my own that can never be taken away.

With all that I am so afraid, afraid because I never ever EVER want to be "that kind" of parent.

I want to show my child/ren the good that this world has to offer, I want him/her to know that no matter what they choose to be, who they choose to be with, no matter the path of life they want to take that my love will always be unconditional, unequivocal and never ending no matter what. I want that for my child/ren because to often in my life I haven't seen that and I know deep in the deepest part of my soul that is what I have been missing all along.......

Wishing better for the future and willing to do my part to make sure that happens....

Hmm..Still evolving...is it working though?

ok so I re read my blogs and it sounds exactly like what my life tons of downs and a few ups.

Well now it's September, I'm still jobless, couldn't keep up with the 3k payments so now I'm in court. With that I'm also in more debt since for 4 months I made the payments forging to pay anything else. My dad has parkinson. My mom is unbearable and I realized today that for as much as I defend my dad HE CHOSE HER!

I'd love to move to another state or country and feel like I may start over. I have the biggest yearning to be pregnant and have a child, yet I'm absolutely terrified like nothing else has terrified me in this world to turn out like my mother.

What to do what to do, I'm in a state of depression and I know it but have no clue how to get out and get moving again. I feel, actually I know I was destine for so much more, unfortunately though for me I have no idea as to where to begin the path.

I've wronged this earth and I know it, but hot diggity damn this earth has sure for sure wronged me.

I'm not a victim I'm not a victim.......

Funny how life works. I married the only person I never cheated on, only in turn to live a life where I feel as if I'm being cheated on everday.....

If that's not IRONY I really don't know what is.

I envisioned married life as happy, joyful, with bumps in the road but knowing always that our love would smooth those bumps no matter how rough they were. I envisioned a forever. A life where it was all about him and all about me. Anytime, Anywhere with Anyone.

Turns out I got the exact opposite. I'm terribly unhappy and wish everyday that something would change. I guess that's my biggest mistake ... I'm wishing. I should be old enough to already know that wishes, no matter how big or small, NEVER come true.

Oh Well, here's "hoping" there really is something else in store for my life and not just what I have or what surrounds me right now.

Passion love is felt for only a moment, Pain love is for a lifetime....

Life is amazing to me, you try to please someone, although they do absolutely nothing to please you and in turn you get the short end of the stick.....

It's been a while

Funny I just read my last post, wow wow wow what a difference a day makes.  The trip was a ton of fun, different but fun, and just what I needed.

As soon as I got back life went backwards at a frightening speed!  I am in tremendous debt and now must pay $3k a month just to keep out of court on one card, to whom I've paid thousands to and in turn had absolute no consideration for that or anything else for that matter.

I still do not have a job, but did pass a test for a hopefully very promising job, from whom I hope and pray I will here back from soon.

I am now 30, I'm at a state of total confusion.  I am no where in my life that is a cause for celebration, but I do have a ton of great memories from my past.

I am remaining very positive, or at least trying to.  Life has a funny way of working out at the end. It is now lent and I've given up soda, and have taken to praying/meditating for 1/2 an hour on Mondays.  I read passages from the bible every time and yesterday came upon something that touched me and made me smile, and realize tons of things but at the same time nothing.  It was Psalm 34:4 " I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears."

Now I love quotes and sayings but this one is now my favorite.  Reminded me of when Dr. George told me Gd doesn't give you anything you can't handle.....right after I came out of a coma and miscarried twin boys...LOL! yea I can now laugh at the thought.

Anyway, I am still missing something personally and emotionally in my life and just right now decided to start praying that I may find it somewhere and with someone soon.

I stand by the fact that I am a simple girl living in a complicated world.

When it rains it pours

I'm going away to the Bahamas this weekend, to Atlantis to watch the Superbowl (GO CARDINALS!)

Anyway I keep feeling inside that once I come back from this trip, life is going to change around for the better...now it's just a feeling, and I'm staying positive about it.

Well so far I've gotten two job calls.  One from AFLAC where I have an interview on Wednesday with.  Then today I got a call/email from a temp agency I had applied with late last year for a job that pays 20 bucks an hour, part-time, 3 days a week.  I'm kind of excited about it. 

It's funny that I have no one near me with whom I can have an adult conversation with and have a dialogue with, it's one great thing that I am missing in my life, among other stuff.

But I miss that, I miss having long talks with someone who was interested and wanted to have a dialogue with me.

Oh well we can't have it all can we!

LOL! Well today was a good day lmao! One more day and I'm out of this miserable weather and in to the sun to have fun! Can't wait!

Today was a better day...

Today was a good day LOL! That's the title to a song... and I feel that way at least now I do.

I did absolutely nothing all day long.  I played pogo all day, had breakfast, lunch and I made an amazing dinner.

Yesterday was a great day, I took my dad to his appointment, then hung out with him all afternoon.  I'm always amazed at what a wonderful human being my dad is, and how proud of him I am, and blessed that he was chosen to be my dad.  See he's not my biological dad, he's actually my maternal grandfather, but he raised me and adopted me legally when I was a child.  I love him more than the air I breathe.

After that, I headed over to Barnes and Noble to pick up The Associate by John Grisham, and hear him speak.  He had a "conversation" with Charlie Rose.  It made me really happy it was something I just chose to do out of the blue.  It's one of the things that I wanted to do this year, to change in myself, just do shit out of the blue for myself.  Oh and I also bought red eye shadow!

Random I know but thought I should put it in there.

Today was a good day (It's by Ice Cube!)

Today is Sunday, the 25th day of this year, so far I have managed to do absolutely nothing!

I lost my job in June last year, after working for 3 years in a company I believed in.  The problem was never the company but those who were "running" it, they ran it into the ground.  I met some great people there and some definite horrible people there, but all in all it was an experience. 

Previous to that I worked for 5 years with a telecommunications company, where the money was good, the benefits great, but the daily grind of life became unbearable.  It was my first taste of unfairness in the workplace.  I pretty much gave my all for the five years I was there and never saw a return in my favor.  My last straw was when a promoted based on whom she knew not what she knew told me "you should worry less about a title and more about helping your peers" WTF!!!  

Anyway so like I started today is the 25th day of the year and I've done nothing.  I'm not sure if I'm in a state of depression or I was just meant to do this.  I am extremely disappointed as I will be turing 30 in 30 days (LOL the irony) and I am no where near where I expected to be at this time in my life.  Its amazing how life changes in a matter of seconds.

I have no idea where my life is going in the next day, month or year, all I know is that I am here and there must be a purpose as to why I am here. 

I have decided to start this blog, because I like to write my thoughts and I enjoy using my laptop, so why not put the two of them together.

I will write about my daily comings and goings as well as what my life has been like, joys and sorrows, trials and tribulations and all that has gone on in my lifetime.  I will include places I've been too, people I've met and situations that I have both, been thrown into and have gotten myself into.

If I get feedback it would be great, but at the end I'm just doing this for myself my soul.

Make a Change

Chunmon