Mom

My post today is not my own...it's a poem that someone I know came up with out of the blue after my mom passed away.... It hits a nerve and home all at the same time.....

I did not say I love you everyday, I did not always agree with your ways. I did not shape my life around your vision nor did I allow your influence to penetrate my fortress...
But regardless I loved you the way the leaves love the rain. I loved you the way the snow loves the cold. The way that I can never love again. We will be together someday and my love will be the same. It won't lack, it will still have the same personality. Mine and yours in one! I love you mom and I miss you! 

Fake -

fake ¹ (fk)

adj.

Having a false or misleading appearance; fraudulent.

n.

This is how the word is defined in the English dictionary....and it is one of the things that I hate the most in this world.

I so rather know the truth and know the true you even if I don't like it than to get the fake version!

Don't get me wrong we are all a little guilty of the "fake" at some points in our lives, but it is those who represent themselves as one thing and then you find out they are the complete opposite...those are the people I'm talking about. I don't appreciate people who pretend to be cool with me, and then dog me any chance they get, I don't appreciate people who pretend to know me and my life and make it their mission to discuss it with others, I don't like when you don't even know my birthday but share with people something about my sex life....

Maybe the word I was looking for was pretend.. who knows.

Either way, I understand we were not all placed on this earth to be friends or for that matter to even like each other, BUT I am a firm believer that we should all ALWAYS respect and be civil to each other.

Please the next time you see me don't smile and give me a hug and ask me how I'm doing because my response will be stop being so fake!!!!

I continue to say....

that unless you live with someone you shouldn't judge how wonderful someone is or isn't.

I say this mostly for the married folk. I got to thinking one day after hearing over and over and over did I mention OVER again how wonderful my husband is, what a great and wonderful man he is...all this while going through a super rough patch in our relationship. I thought about this whenever I heard how terrible a good friend of mine is to her husband and how people can't believe he tolerates her behavior towards him blah blah blah...and then I caught a small glimpse of what happens behind closed doors.

Don't judge others lives based on what you see when amongst the crowds, always keep in mind that for the most part Men & Woman act very differently when that door is shut. You see what people want you to see and nothing more.

Everyone and I do mean EVERYONE has their flaws. Some not as bad as others, but flawed never the less.

In realizing that my husband really isn't as bad as some others out there... I'll leave the thought that the grass isn't always greener on the other side...and worse sometimes it's just dyed....

Miscommunication leads to complication

that's the second line to Lauren Hill's "Lost One" song..... one of my favorite albums and one of my favorite songs on that album. It speaks her mind on a situation that eventually (in my opinion lead to her downfall).

This line has turned into a symbolic moment in my life.

Life at home is threatening to go back to normal...at least in my home. I believe they (my parents) will be going back to their own home this Thursday. I'll miss them but I think I've missed a good nights sleep just a little more.

I was looking into the time they've spent here and realized if they do end up leaving on Thursday they've officially been here 40 days. There are 40 days in Lent....hmmm could it be a coincidence? Well I don't believe in coincidences so maybe not.

We'll see how life goes once they go back home, and things go back to "normal". I know for me they never will. I can't just pretend like nothings happened and that life is wonderful with the people that I most love and most protected and did for.

I am curious to see how it all turns out. I have plenty of drama in my life to not care to add more. So on that note, I will continue to live my life and accept those who love me and show me so and I will continue to remove those who do the exact opposite.....

Praying that I can forgive the way I have been forgiven.....

32 days and counting.....

Day 32 - although most of my frustrations have sub sided, I am hurt and angry.

I realize that this situation has now officially changed my life forever. I've lost a best friend, whom I consider family, I've lost family who is actual family.

The worst part besides actually admitting this, is that I'm not all that concerned with it. My hurt comes from my expectations of those that I surrounded myself with. My anger from my ignorance to place certain expectations on people.

I am living a better life right now at least on the forefront. I like where I am and I like that at this moment I was able to with clear eyes see black for black and white for white. In other words I'm happy that finally I was able to see the true colors of people.

Eventually (hopefully) my parents will return to their home, and my life will regain some form of what I know to be normal, but my relationships with other will not.

I can forgive but I can't and choose not to forget.

Funny enough this weekend at Church, I prayed, I prayed that Gd would give me the strength, heart and wisdom to forgive others as he has forgiven me. It was the only thing I prayed for and I prayed really hard for it, because I am serious. I want to be able to forgive, forget and move on without at cautious bone. Well my first test was given to me right on my way out of church in the form of a text message. I will proudly say that although I know it could've been handled better, at the very least it was handled with respect and no anger.

I thought to myself ok GD give me a minute to digest exactly what I prayed for. Well a day later yet another test, this one bigger than the one before and definitely not the one I would've wanted especially at that moment. BUT guess what I PASSED! I was as civil as I could be without spitting nails and I made it through.

I continue to pray for this gift and know that in time I shall see it come full circle.

On that note, I am going to expose an extremely vulnerable side of me, and this is why I love this blog.

I am hurting inside, battling with emotions, some new some old, I am an emotional mess held together tightly by a strong shelter.

My emotions run wild on my mother's illness, my dad's inability to do for himself, my families complete about face with me for no apparent reason, how my BF and I fell apart so easily, my current situation, the fact that I can release this to no one, and most of all I am ANGRY that no one cares or stops to think - Hey Maria has feelings to maybe we can talk to her or understand her situation just a little.

I still don't know why I'm on this earth and I no longer actively try to find that answer. I do know that if I've made it so far somehow, someway I will make it to the end, because quitting is not an option and losing never was either.

XOXO

Family - I heard on Oprah from the guy that does the Locator that Family are those who are there for you in the trying times.

I never thought of it like that, my family is my family and through thick and thin I've always had their back, defended them and stood up for them as a whole or individually, against others and sometimes against each other.

Now I find myself in trying times.....and I'm not getting the same I've always given.

There has been a huge gap in communication that in turned has become extremely personal and hateful and dare I say it childish.

I rarely ask for anything from the people I love a) because I don't expect it and b) I can do it myself.

I do on the same accord expect that if I ask for it or show that it is needed (obviously) it just be given and me not have to ask, beg or plead for it.

My parents have now been with me for three weeks. I am not complaining it actually hasn't been the worst thing ... other than the fact that me and the husband are sleeping on the couch the rest is bearable. I'm surprised by it but will admit it is the absolute truth. I actually feel like if I had a two bedroom apartment I would for sure probably suggest that we make it permanent. Being that this is not the case, and they are uncomfortable and voice almost daily how they'd like to be home, I thought (stupid me) that with the help of family we'd get the situation taken care of and boom they are back to what they know.

Now is when the lack/gap of communication ensues. No one speaks to me about what's going on or isn't. I'm not included in an apparent conversation that took place in my own home. I'm not given a courtesy phone call, text message or email. I'm at a lost. So I do what I know how to do best and that's handle it myself. Now if you are lost it's ok I am too.

SO week two comes along, I've heard nothing, I voice that I'm in the dark, to which I spend an hour on the phone defending myself not sure from what or why but that's what I do. Still no information. People blatantly lie to me and still nothing. So on my Birthday (my 31st) I spend the snowy day with my mom at Chemo and my evening trying to keep my cool while my husband is at my parents apartment beginning the process of removing items from their house. He's alone because the person who originally was going to help back off completely. Now I must interject in here that my family knew that he was going over there and as far as I know no one said call me if you need help.

A friend of the family ... had just left my house after staying with my dad while I was at Chemo with Mom and offered to help him. Since he was on his way over that way he said he wouldn't mind helping if it was needed, just so happened that the offer came right when the person who was originally set up to help fell through.....

Well apparently that set off all kinds of waves and motions and craziness which no one is willing to explain or talk about ... other than being rude and dis respectful about it all.....

So now one person is totally offended, speaking ill about my husband and the person who helped, being rude publically and calling people out on nonsense....gamer achievement points REALLY???

The other ones have talons on to defend something that no one really knows what it's all about and then have the audacity to call me out for saying something "on the net" as it was put ... yet again people dishing it but not being able to take it...

The whole "family" is a mess and nothing makes sense. It hurts my heart but more so my feelings and worse my soul because at the end of the day...I know how to live my life alone and not worry about anything or anyone....but they are "family".

I hate madness especially unecessary one... I don't like to be disrespected and I don't like for people to disrespect my husband without merit. I'm all for calling a spade a spade ... but for sure not for the pot calling the kettle black.

I wish I could move to another state tomorrow. Start my life the way I've always wanted to and live it the way I've wanted to always....and just be around for special holidays and the occasional phone call. Too bad my culture doesn't promote that and my conscience won't allow me to do it, not at this very moment at least.....

Here's hoping that brighter clearer days are on the horizon and that as humans we all learn that with a little patience and a little communication the world would revolve much easier and be that much better of a place.....

XOXO

Why do I act surprise, why does my heart ache like its a new feeling??

Never in 10 Years has it been there when I most needed it to be. Actually not only has it not been there it's laughed in my face. I can't understand how the misery was allowed to flourish and grow and how I have never ever truly put a stop to it.

Am I destined to this misery until I die. Is that what my culture taught me to live with and just assume there is no better?

I want to walk away, I want to reach further and know that at 60 I won't be that type of woman...but I need the strength and the conviction. Two things I believe you are either born with or are taught. I wasn't born with it and unfortunately was not taught it either..... Is there still hope for me?

That will be my Why question I guess.....Until I perish....

XOXO

The New Year

So in 2010, I have decided I will make it all about my faith. I have started attending Church on Sundays, not so much to reaffirm my faith but to revive and refresh it.

I have begun to pray daily, twice. Once when I begin my day and again before I sleep awaiting the next one.

I have also made it a point to be grateful for one thing in my life, everyday and say it out loud. As if saying it out loud to no one in particular means it has to be true.

I'm proud of myself for committing and actually sticking to this, it has helped my soul.....

With that I realize my soul is, and has been stagnant for way too long. I have officially decided I will be making a HUGE move, preferably within the next year or two. Hopefully sooner.

I have realized that without this change I will become a typical miserable old Puerto Rican woman, and as proud as I am of my culture and where I come from I refuse to allow it to define me and who I am.

Recently I reached into my past, remembering that I almost died, or better yet I did die! For 15 days. This is in the forefront of my thoughts, because the question still remains, Why was I given a second chance? It most certainly can't be for this!

I will snap out of this fog that I am in and have been in for such a long time (1 year and 7 months..I can include the days and hours and minutes but who's counting right? right!). In the meantime I'm going to plan and give myself options and most importantly I will follow through with them.......

If it's the last thing I do....

xoxo

Life has just continued to get harder, and I find myself feeling paused.

I don't even know exactly what that means, but I know that's exactly where I am at. I have absolutely no desire to anything but lay in bed and wait for the next day, but really can anyone live their life that way.

2009 has handed me so much pain, anger, regret and sadness that I no longer wish to write a book about my life but just a book on my life in 2009.

My life in a bubble has been completely eliminated, as much as I search for just a tiny bit of that wonder woman I use to be, I can't seem to find her anywhere. Not in my reality or in my dreams, has she gone forever? I don't want to sincerely believe that...but my eyes show my no different.

I will say I am absolutely tired of complaining and not being "grateful" for what I do have. I am also extremely tired of people who insist on tell me how everything will be fine and dandy sooner rather than later.

It amazes me how I can give great advice and positive words to just about anyone in any situation but I can't stomach to believe not even an ounce of it....does that make me a hypocrite?

I'm not sure what will happen tomorrow, next week or by the end of the year, I just know that somewhere inside this body that I call my own there has to be just has to be an ounce of the woman I use to be....hope I find it soon....

I want to be a parent ... just not that kind

Parenting - to me means the two people who will never intentionally disappoint you.

What it means to the parents I have known - they will always disappoint you intentionally or not.

I find myself more and more craving and yearning to be a mother, a parent. I crave it like a fat kid craves cake.

I want to hear a little voice call me mom, bring me home a drawing proudly telling me it's his/her family. I want to have something of my own that can never be taken away.

With all that I am so afraid, afraid because I never ever EVER want to be "that kind" of parent.

I want to show my child/ren the good that this world has to offer, I want him/her to know that no matter what they choose to be, who they choose to be with, no matter the path of life they want to take that my love will always be unconditional, unequivocal and never ending no matter what. I want that for my child/ren because to often in my life I haven't seen that and I know deep in the deepest part of my soul that is what I have been missing all along.......

Wishing better for the future and willing to do my part to make sure that happens....

Hmm..Still evolving...is it working though?

ok so I re read my blogs and it sounds exactly like what my life tons of downs and a few ups.

Well now it's September, I'm still jobless, couldn't keep up with the 3k payments so now I'm in court. With that I'm also in more debt since for 4 months I made the payments forging to pay anything else. My dad has parkinson. My mom is unbearable and I realized today that for as much as I defend my dad HE CHOSE HER!

I'd love to move to another state or country and feel like I may start over. I have the biggest yearning to be pregnant and have a child, yet I'm absolutely terrified like nothing else has terrified me in this world to turn out like my mother.

What to do what to do, I'm in a state of depression and I know it but have no clue how to get out and get moving again. I feel, actually I know I was destine for so much more, unfortunately though for me I have no idea as to where to begin the path.

I've wronged this earth and I know it, but hot diggity damn this earth has sure for sure wronged me.

I'm not a victim I'm not a victim.......

Funny how life works. I married the only person I never cheated on, only in turn to live a life where I feel as if I'm being cheated on everday.....

If that's not IRONY I really don't know what is.

I envisioned married life as happy, joyful, with bumps in the road but knowing always that our love would smooth those bumps no matter how rough they were. I envisioned a forever. A life where it was all about him and all about me. Anytime, Anywhere with Anyone.

Turns out I got the exact opposite. I'm terribly unhappy and wish everyday that something would change. I guess that's my biggest mistake ... I'm wishing. I should be old enough to already know that wishes, no matter how big or small, NEVER come true.

Oh Well, here's "hoping" there really is something else in store for my life and not just what I have or what surrounds me right now.

Passion love is felt for only a moment, Pain love is for a lifetime....

Life is amazing to me, you try to please someone, although they do absolutely nothing to please you and in turn you get the short end of the stick.....

It's been a while

Funny I just read my last post, wow wow wow what a difference a day makes.  The trip was a ton of fun, different but fun, and just what I needed.

As soon as I got back life went backwards at a frightening speed!  I am in tremendous debt and now must pay $3k a month just to keep out of court on one card, to whom I've paid thousands to and in turn had absolute no consideration for that or anything else for that matter.

I still do not have a job, but did pass a test for a hopefully very promising job, from whom I hope and pray I will here back from soon.

I am now 30, I'm at a state of total confusion.  I am no where in my life that is a cause for celebration, but I do have a ton of great memories from my past.

I am remaining very positive, or at least trying to.  Life has a funny way of working out at the end. It is now lent and I've given up soda, and have taken to praying/meditating for 1/2 an hour on Mondays.  I read passages from the bible every time and yesterday came upon something that touched me and made me smile, and realize tons of things but at the same time nothing.  It was Psalm 34:4 " I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears."

Now I love quotes and sayings but this one is now my favorite.  Reminded me of when Dr. George told me Gd doesn't give you anything you can't handle.....right after I came out of a coma and miscarried twin boys...LOL! yea I can now laugh at the thought.

Anyway, I am still missing something personally and emotionally in my life and just right now decided to start praying that I may find it somewhere and with someone soon.

I stand by the fact that I am a simple girl living in a complicated world.

When it rains it pours

I'm going away to the Bahamas this weekend, to Atlantis to watch the Superbowl (GO CARDINALS!)

Anyway I keep feeling inside that once I come back from this trip, life is going to change around for the better...now it's just a feeling, and I'm staying positive about it.

Well so far I've gotten two job calls.  One from AFLAC where I have an interview on Wednesday with.  Then today I got a call/email from a temp agency I had applied with late last year for a job that pays 20 bucks an hour, part-time, 3 days a week.  I'm kind of excited about it. 

It's funny that I have no one near me with whom I can have an adult conversation with and have a dialogue with, it's one great thing that I am missing in my life, among other stuff.

But I miss that, I miss having long talks with someone who was interested and wanted to have a dialogue with me.

Oh well we can't have it all can we!

LOL! Well today was a good day lmao! One more day and I'm out of this miserable weather and in to the sun to have fun! Can't wait!

Today was a better day...

Today was a good day LOL! That's the title to a song... and I feel that way at least now I do.

I did absolutely nothing all day long.  I played pogo all day, had breakfast, lunch and I made an amazing dinner.

Yesterday was a great day, I took my dad to his appointment, then hung out with him all afternoon.  I'm always amazed at what a wonderful human being my dad is, and how proud of him I am, and blessed that he was chosen to be my dad.  See he's not my biological dad, he's actually my maternal grandfather, but he raised me and adopted me legally when I was a child.  I love him more than the air I breathe.

After that, I headed over to Barnes and Noble to pick up The Associate by John Grisham, and hear him speak.  He had a "conversation" with Charlie Rose.  It made me really happy it was something I just chose to do out of the blue.  It's one of the things that I wanted to do this year, to change in myself, just do shit out of the blue for myself.  Oh and I also bought red eye shadow!

Random I know but thought I should put it in there.

Today was a good day (It's by Ice Cube!)

Today is Sunday, the 25th day of this year, so far I have managed to do absolutely nothing!

I lost my job in June last year, after working for 3 years in a company I believed in.  The problem was never the company but those who were "running" it, they ran it into the ground.  I met some great people there and some definite horrible people there, but all in all it was an experience. 

Previous to that I worked for 5 years with a telecommunications company, where the money was good, the benefits great, but the daily grind of life became unbearable.  It was my first taste of unfairness in the workplace.  I pretty much gave my all for the five years I was there and never saw a return in my favor.  My last straw was when a promoted based on whom she knew not what she knew told me "you should worry less about a title and more about helping your peers" WTF!!!  

Anyway so like I started today is the 25th day of the year and I've done nothing.  I'm not sure if I'm in a state of depression or I was just meant to do this.  I am extremely disappointed as I will be turing 30 in 30 days (LOL the irony) and I am no where near where I expected to be at this time in my life.  Its amazing how life changes in a matter of seconds.

I have no idea where my life is going in the next day, month or year, all I know is that I am here and there must be a purpose as to why I am here. 

I have decided to start this blog, because I like to write my thoughts and I enjoy using my laptop, so why not put the two of them together.

I will write about my daily comings and goings as well as what my life has been like, joys and sorrows, trials and tribulations and all that has gone on in my lifetime.  I will include places I've been too, people I've met and situations that I have both, been thrown into and have gotten myself into.

If I get feedback it would be great, but at the end I'm just doing this for myself my soul.

Make a Change

Chunmon