Sunday, January 31, 2010

Why do I act surprise, why does my heart ache like its a new feeling??
Never in 10 Years has it been there when I most needed it to be. Actually not only has it not been there it's laughed in my face. I can't understand how the misery was allowed to flourish and grow and how I have never ever truly put a stop to it.
Am I destined to this misery until I die. Is that what my culture taught me to live with and just assume there is no better?
I want to walk away, I want to reach further and know that at 60 I won't be that type of woman...but I need the strength and the conviction. Two things I believe you are either born with or are taught. I wasn't born with it and unfortunately was not taught it either..... Is there still hope for me?
That will be my Why question I guess.....Until I perish....

Monday, January 25, 2010

The New Year

So in 2010, I have decided I will make it all about my faith. I have started attending Church on Sundays, not so much to reaffirm my faith but to revive and refresh it.
I have begun to pray daily, twice. Once when I begin my day and again before I sleep awaiting the next one.
I have also made it a point to be grateful for one thing in my life, everyday and say it out loud. As if saying it out loud to no one in particular means it has to be true.
I'm proud of myself for committing and actually sticking to this, it has helped my soul.....
With that I realize my soul is, and has been stagnant for way too long. I have officially decided I will be making a HUGE move, preferably within the next year or two. Hopefully sooner.
I have realized that without this change I will become a typical miserable old Puerto Rican woman, and as proud as I am of my culture and where I come from I refuse to allow it to define me and who I am.
Recently I reached into my past, remembering that I almost died, or better yet I did die! For 15 days. This is in the forefront of my thoughts, because the question still remains, Why was I given a second chance? It most certainly can't be for this!
I will snap out of this fog that I am in and have been in for such a long time (1 year and 7 months..I can include the days and hours and minutes but who's counting right? right!). In the meantime I'm going to plan and give myself options and most importantly I will follow through with them.......
If it's the last thing I do....