Monday, September 14, 2009

I want to be a parent ... just not that kind

Parenting - to me means the two people who will never intentionally disappoint you.
What it means to the parents I have known - they will always disappoint you intentionally or not.
I find myself more and more craving and yearning to be a mother, a parent. I crave it like a fat kid craves cake.
I want to hear a little voice call me mom, bring me home a drawing proudly telling me it's his/her family. I want to have something of my own that can never be taken away.
With all that I am so afraid, afraid because I never ever EVER want to be "that kind" of parent.
I want to show my child/ren the good that this world has to offer, I want him/her to know that no matter what they choose to be, who they choose to be with, no matter the path of life they want to take that my love will always be unconditional, unequivocal and never ending no matter what. I want that for my child/ren because to often in my life I haven't seen that and I know deep in the deepest part of my soul that is what I have been missing all along.......
Wishing better for the future and willing to do my part to make sure that happens....

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Hmm..Still it working though?

ok so I re read my blogs and it sounds exactly like what my life tons of downs and a few ups.
Well now it's September, I'm still jobless, couldn't keep up with the 3k payments so now I'm in court. With that I'm also in more debt since for 4 months I made the payments forging to pay anything else. My dad has parkinson. My mom is unbearable and I realized today that for as much as I defend my dad HE CHOSE HER!
I'd love to move to another state or country and feel like I may start over. I have the biggest yearning to be pregnant and have a child, yet I'm absolutely terrified like nothing else has terrified me in this world to turn out like my mother.

What to do what to do, I'm in a state of depression and I know it but have no clue how to get out and get moving again. I feel, actually I know I was destine for so much more, unfortunately though for me I have no idea as to where to begin the path.

I've wronged this earth and I know it, but hot diggity damn this earth has sure for sure wronged me.
I'm not a victim I'm not a victim.......