I did not say I love you everyday, I did not always agree with your ways. I did not shape my life around your vision nor did I allow your influence to penetrate my fortress...
But regardless I loved you the way the leaves love the rain. I loved you the way the snow loves the cold. The way that I can never love again. We will be together someday and my love will be the same. It won't lack, it will still have the same personality. Mine and yours in one! I love you mom and I miss you!
Monday, June 28, 2010
My post today is not my own...it's a poem that someone I know came up with out of the blue after my mom passed away.... It hits a nerve and home all at the same time.....
Sunday, April 11, 2010
that unless you live with someone you shouldn't judge how wonderful someone is or isn't.
I say this mostly for the married folk. I got to thinking one day after hearing over and over and over did I mention OVER again how wonderful my husband is, what a great and wonderful man he is...all this while going through a super rough patch in our relationship. I thought about this whenever I heard how terrible a good friend of mine is to her husband and how people can't believe he tolerates her behavior towards him blah blah blah...and then I caught a small glimpse of what happens behind closed doors.
Don't judge others lives based on what you see when amongst the crowds, always keep in mind that for the most part Men & Woman act very differently when that door is shut. You see what people want you to see and nothing more.
Everyone and I do mean EVERYONE has their flaws. Some not as bad as others, but flawed never the less.
In realizing that my husband really isn't as bad as some others out there... I'll leave the thought that the grass isn't always greener on the other side...and worse sometimes it's just dyed....
Monday, March 22, 2010
that's the second line to Lauren Hill's "Lost One" song..... one of my favorite albums and one of my favorite songs on that album. It speaks her mind on a situation that eventually (in my opinion lead to her downfall).
This line has turned into a symbolic moment in my life.
Life at home is threatening to go back to normal...at least in my home. I believe they (my parents) will be going back to their own home this Thursday. I'll miss them but I think I've missed a good nights sleep just a little more.
I was looking into the time they've spent here and realized if they do end up leaving on Thursday they've officially been here 40 days. There are 40 days in Lent....hmmm could it be a coincidence? Well I don't believe in coincidences so maybe not.
We'll see how life goes once they go back home, and things go back to "normal". I know for me they never will. I can't just pretend like nothings happened and that life is wonderful with the people that I most love and most protected and did for.
I am curious to see how it all turns out. I have plenty of drama in my life to not care to add more. So on that note, I will continue to live my life and accept those who love me and show me so and I will continue to remove those who do the exact opposite.....
Praying that I can forgive the way I have been forgiven.....
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Day 32 - although most of my frustrations have sub sided, I am hurt and angry.
I realize that this situation has now officially changed my life forever. I've lost a best friend, whom I consider family, I've lost family who is actual family.
The worst part besides actually admitting this, is that I'm not all that concerned with it. My hurt comes from my expectations of those that I surrounded myself with. My anger from my ignorance to place certain expectations on people.
I am living a better life right now at least on the forefront. I like where I am and I like that at this moment I was able to with clear eyes see black for black and white for white. In other words I'm happy that finally I was able to see the true colors of people.
Eventually (hopefully) my parents will return to their home, and my life will regain some form of what I know to be normal, but my relationships with other will not.
I can forgive but I can't and choose not to forget.
Funny enough this weekend at Church, I prayed, I prayed that Gd would give me the strength, heart and wisdom to forgive others as he has forgiven me. It was the only thing I prayed for and I prayed really hard for it, because I am serious. I want to be able to forgive, forget and move on without at cautious bone. Well my first test was given to me right on my way out of church in the form of a text message. I will proudly say that although I know it could've been handled better, at the very least it was handled with respect and no anger.
I thought to myself ok GD give me a minute to digest exactly what I prayed for. Well a day later yet another test, this one bigger than the one before and definitely not the one I would've wanted especially at that moment. BUT guess what I PASSED! I was as civil as I could be without spitting nails and I made it through.
I continue to pray for this gift and know that in time I shall see it come full circle.
On that note, I am going to expose an extremely vulnerable side of me, and this is why I love this blog.
I am hurting inside, battling with emotions, some new some old, I am an emotional mess held together tightly by a strong shelter.
My emotions run wild on my mother's illness, my dad's inability to do for himself, my families complete about face with me for no apparent reason, how my BF and I fell apart so easily, my current situation, the fact that I can release this to no one, and most of all I am ANGRY that no one cares or stops to think - Hey Maria has feelings to maybe we can talk to her or understand her situation just a little.
I still don't know why I'm on this earth and I no longer actively try to find that answer. I do know that if I've made it so far somehow, someway I will make it to the end, because quitting is not an option and losing never was either.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Family - I heard on Oprah from the guy that does the Locator that Family are those who are there for you in the trying times.
I never thought of it like that, my family is my family and through thick and thin I've always had their back, defended them and stood up for them as a whole or individually, against others and sometimes against each other.
Now I find myself in trying times.....and I'm not getting the same I've always given.
There has been a huge gap in communication that in turned has become extremely personal and hateful and dare I say it childish.
I rarely ask for anything from the people I love a) because I don't expect it and b) I can do it myself.
I do on the same accord expect that if I ask for it or show that it is needed (obviously) it just be given and me not have to ask, beg or plead for it.
My parents have now been with me for three weeks. I am not complaining it actually hasn't been the worst thing ... other than the fact that me and the husband are sleeping on the couch the rest is bearable. I'm surprised by it but will admit it is the absolute truth. I actually feel like if I had a two bedroom apartment I would for sure probably suggest that we make it permanent. Being that this is not the case, and they are uncomfortable and voice almost daily how they'd like to be home, I thought (stupid me) that with the help of family we'd get the situation taken care of and boom they are back to what they know.
Now is when the lack/gap of communication ensues. No one speaks to me about what's going on or isn't. I'm not included in an apparent conversation that took place in my own home. I'm not given a courtesy phone call, text message or email. I'm at a lost. So I do what I know how to do best and that's handle it myself. Now if you are lost it's ok I am too.
SO week two comes along, I've heard nothing, I voice that I'm in the dark, to which I spend an hour on the phone defending myself not sure from what or why but that's what I do. Still no information. People blatantly lie to me and still nothing. So on my Birthday (my 31st) I spend the snowy day with my mom at Chemo and my evening trying to keep my cool while my husband is at my parents apartment beginning the process of removing items from their house. He's alone because the person who originally was going to help back off completely. Now I must interject in here that my family knew that he was going over there and as far as I know no one said call me if you need help.
A friend of the family ... had just left my house after staying with my dad while I was at Chemo with Mom and offered to help him. Since he was on his way over that way he said he wouldn't mind helping if it was needed, just so happened that the offer came right when the person who was originally set up to help fell through.....
Well apparently that set off all kinds of waves and motions and craziness which no one is willing to explain or talk about ... other than being rude and dis respectful about it all.....
So now one person is totally offended, speaking ill about my husband and the person who helped, being rude publically and calling people out on nonsense....gamer achievement points REALLY???
The other ones have talons on to defend something that no one really knows what it's all about and then have the audacity to call me out for saying something "on the net" as it was put ... yet again people dishing it but not being able to take it...
The whole "family" is a mess and nothing makes sense. It hurts my heart but more so my feelings and worse my soul because at the end of the day...I know how to live my life alone and not worry about anything or anyone....but they are "family".
I hate madness especially unecessary one... I don't like to be disrespected and I don't like for people to disrespect my husband without merit. I'm all for calling a spade a spade ... but for sure not for the pot calling the kettle black.
I wish I could move to another state tomorrow. Start my life the way I've always wanted to and live it the way I've wanted to always....and just be around for special holidays and the occasional phone call. Too bad my culture doesn't promote that and my conscience won't allow me to do it, not at this very moment at least.....
Here's hoping that brighter clearer days are on the horizon and that as humans we all learn that with a little patience and a little communication the world would revolve much easier and be that much better of a place.....
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Why do I act surprise, why does my heart ache like its a new feeling??
Never in 10 Years has it been there when I most needed it to be. Actually not only has it not been there it's laughed in my face. I can't understand how the misery was allowed to flourish and grow and how I have never ever truly put a stop to it.
Am I destined to this misery until I die. Is that what my culture taught me to live with and just assume there is no better?
I want to walk away, I want to reach further and know that at 60 I won't be that type of woman...but I need the strength and the conviction. Two things I believe you are either born with or are taught. I wasn't born with it and unfortunately was not taught it either..... Is there still hope for me?
That will be my Why question I guess.....Until I perish....
Monday, January 25, 2010
So in 2010, I have decided I will make it all about my faith. I have started attending Church on Sundays, not so much to reaffirm my faith but to revive and refresh it.
I have begun to pray daily, twice. Once when I begin my day and again before I sleep awaiting the next one.
I have also made it a point to be grateful for one thing in my life, everyday and say it out loud. As if saying it out loud to no one in particular means it has to be true.
I'm proud of myself for committing and actually sticking to this, it has helped my soul.....
With that I realize my soul is, and has been stagnant for way too long. I have officially decided I will be making a HUGE move, preferably within the next year or two. Hopefully sooner.
I have realized that without this change I will become a typical miserable old Puerto Rican woman, and as proud as I am of my culture and where I come from I refuse to allow it to define me and who I am.
Recently I reached into my past, remembering that I almost died, or better yet I did die! For 15 days. This is in the forefront of my thoughts, because the question still remains, Why was I given a second chance? It most certainly can't be for this!
I will snap out of this fog that I am in and have been in for such a long time (1 year and 7 months..I can include the days and hours and minutes but who's counting right? right!). In the meantime I'm going to plan and give myself options and most importantly I will follow through with them.......
If it's the last thing I do....