Wednesday, March 17, 2010

32 days and counting.....

Day 32 - although most of my frustrations have sub sided, I am hurt and angry.
I realize that this situation has now officially changed my life forever. I've lost a best friend, whom I consider family, I've lost family who is actual family.
The worst part besides actually admitting this, is that I'm not all that concerned with it. My hurt comes from my expectations of those that I surrounded myself with. My anger from my ignorance to place certain expectations on people.
I am living a better life right now at least on the forefront. I like where I am and I like that at this moment I was able to with clear eyes see black for black and white for white. In other words I'm happy that finally I was able to see the true colors of people.
Eventually (hopefully) my parents will return to their home, and my life will regain some form of what I know to be normal, but my relationships with other will not.
I can forgive but I can't and choose not to forget.
Funny enough this weekend at Church, I prayed, I prayed that Gd would give me the strength, heart and wisdom to forgive others as he has forgiven me. It was the only thing I prayed for and I prayed really hard for it, because I am serious. I want to be able to forgive, forget and move on without at cautious bone. Well my first test was given to me right on my way out of church in the form of a text message. I will proudly say that although I know it could've been handled better, at the very least it was handled with respect and no anger.
I thought to myself ok GD give me a minute to digest exactly what I prayed for. Well a day later yet another test, this one bigger than the one before and definitely not the one I would've wanted especially at that moment. BUT guess what I PASSED! I was as civil as I could be without spitting nails and I made it through.
I continue to pray for this gift and know that in time I shall see it come full circle.
On that note, I am going to expose an extremely vulnerable side of me, and this is why I love this blog.
I am hurting inside, battling with emotions, some new some old, I am an emotional mess held together tightly by a strong shelter.
My emotions run wild on my mother's illness, my dad's inability to do for himself, my families complete about face with me for no apparent reason, how my BF and I fell apart so easily, my current situation, the fact that I can release this to no one, and most of all I am ANGRY that no one cares or stops to think - Hey Maria has feelings to maybe we can talk to her or understand her situation just a little.

I still don't know why I'm on this earth and I no longer actively try to find that answer. I do know that if I've made it so far somehow, someway I will make it to the end, because quitting is not an option and losing never was either.

No comments:

Post a Comment